How do I overcome my depression?

I'm 61 now and married for 10 years. My husband is 8 years younger. At first I was very much in love with him and considered him my dream man. After a failed marriage to an alcoholic, I longed for harmony and familiar togetherness. Unfortunately, everything was different. Already on the honeymoon my husband had his first outing. He did not speak with me for a full two days, because I did not dare on Madeira to take me by sledge from the highest elevation to the valley. I had imagined the departure less steep. My husband commented that he was looking for another one to do such things. I was completely disappointed and hurt. Afterwards he has apologized for this and at some point the incident was forgotten. But more such events accumulated over time. In Mexico, he did not "allow" me to buy a souvenir photo of my dolphin swim. Supposedly the photos were far too expensive. I wanted to pay them from my money. Two years later, he refused to make a booked trip to the Canaries just because he did not have time to load movies for the flight in time for the laptop. I could list more such incidents. However, this would lead too far here. In the last 7 years, we lived exclusively from my money, or from the legacy of my father. My husband has been certified by a medical doctor that he is seriously ill and can't work. Consequently, it was me who was always looking for jobs, which was not so easy since I was only a housewife for 13 years because of raising children. But fortunately, I still found well-paid jobs. In the end, I even went to another city for a job and took a second home. I pay everything: both rent and livelihood. My assets have shrunk considerably. But I did that too because I did not want to go to the job center myself. Unfortunately, the job did not work out and I'm unemployed. In the meantime, I have no desire and no strength, always the only one "to get the chestnuts out of the fire". I feel numb. My husband shows no understanding. How do I make him realize that I'm actually finished?

I do not understand why you stay with him. He only uses you. How does he show you his love? He also shows no understanding and often treats you like dirt.

I would split up in your place. You just had bad luck so far. A good partner shows understanding and forbids anything. You make compromises. There's no "me" anymore, but a "we".

Your husband pulls you down. I'd tell him that right in the face, that you're done and can't do it anymore and he's to blame.

I then see 2 options, a couple therapy, where one tries to get the problems under control or a breakup.

You should now pay attention to yourself and see that you are better again. Maybe I would make an appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist, if you feel sick.

The bad thing is that I can't prevail. And when my husband is in a rage, I'm scared of him. I know, that sounds ridiculous. Is unfortunately so.

That's why you should separate yourself. Why are you still staying with him?

By confronting him now with fait accompli, tomorrow he will go to a family law lawyer to prepare the divorce together!

Take documents about your finances. The money from your dad is yours alone and will remain so. Let all this explain from the lawyer.

Then your still-man can finance his flat alone and you stay in your 2nd flat - have your rest and save a lot of money!

For me, that reads more like, as has your still-husband really exploited. And if you do not pull the ripcord now, you will soon be poor as a church mouse and he is looking for his next victim - then you are alone anyway.

If you urgently need mental support, look up where there's a "social psychiatric service" nearby. Since you get in difficult life situations very quickly an appointment and then talk about everything from the soul!

Act before it is too late and then it will be even better with your depressed mood!

I wish you a lot of strength and all the best! You certainly deserve better than someone on your side who does not respect you as a person but wants to live a good life at your expense!

Dear Mama! Thank you for your words! I have already been to a specialist lawyer. Unfortunately, this has made me little hope. It is true that my heritage is MYST, but only in the normal divorce law. Should my husband go to the job center, which he has to do then, the social law will take effect. After that I have to support my husband as long as I have assets.

Ever heard of it, that some men avenge, who were abandoned? That's often enough in the news.

Then inform the police or go to a women's shelter.

The police always come only when it's too late. My girlfriend was beaten green and blue. No one has prevented that, even though she was previously with the police and has filed a complaint.

I do not believe that completely - because…

… How long have you been married?

Do you have children together?

Does your husband get pension because he is supposed to be ill?

I could only imagine that you would have to support your still-husband until the divorce. The divorce can be filed 1 year after the separation - divorce is then about 6-10 months after submission. It always depends on what the courts have to do.

I do not believe in a post-marital maintenance. So the time of support for you would be foreseeable and your still-man would have to become active somehow.

At your earned pension points, as he is considered in a divorce and you will be deducted. This goes on until you submit the divorce application - from the day is over.

Just go to the job center and apply for money, will certainly not be so easy and if the nakedness really wants to give, I do not think so! Does not fit a bon vivant!

If he is not yet berentet, it is first checked whether he is still able to work. You will definitely go to his mind and he has to move. If you do not work hard you will not see any results!

What would be the alternative for you? You stay with him, he continues to spend your money with his hands full and at some point you are too poor and really sick! Would the option be the better for you?

If the latter option is not for you, then look for another specialist lawyer and listen to another opinion and act!

So you stay with him out of fear? This would be a pity on my life

You should try it anyway. Or do you want to live on forever? And as I said, you can also go to a women's shelter.

Berentet he is not yet 53. Able to work but also by the hour. That is how his family doctor certified him. With full hands he did not spend my money. I have to say that fairly. He is often more economical than me. But logically, the savings go on it, if you only live for several years. We do not have common children. But I have 3 adult sons who unfortunately can't handle money and have no work. I also supported her earlier. My husband rides on it again and again. He can thus distract himself and accuse me of failing. However, I have to say that my sons stayed with their father at the time, letting them go through everything. I had no contact with them for years.

A "family doctor" can't certify any hourly employment or write someone so sick that he / she is NEVER more able to work in the sense of being able to work!

So much in advance!

Your husband is now 53, then he is built in 1966 and will also have a hard time getting a disability pension. From the year 1961, everything became a bit more difficult and whether someone is actually incapacitated for work or not, clarify this all "reviewers" who are named by the pension insurance.

There are also such appraisers at the employment agency, to which your husband would first have to turn. Even if he made representations at the job center, they would also refer him to the agency for the time being, so that he could get back on his payroll. Prove that you can't work, you have to then even with beating and punctual diagnoses and clarify, as already mentioned, "expert" and certainly not the family doctor!

So your husband can tell you about family doctor and sick and so much. Do not be angry, I consider that absolutely unbelievable and unfortunately only for a "smart" excuse to work alone and to save yourself:-(

Love lissy61 - You try to protect your husband and even here look for excuses that he would be even more economical than you. Evidently but completely suppresses that he lives already for some years completely at your expense and you even prescribes what you can spend your money and what not?

What you have described here in your question and that over the years, so many women would not have guaranteed twice.

If you want to change something so you can feel good again, then you have to act - or simply continue to suffer. Anyway, it's all up to you and your life!

All the best for you again ;-)

If he is said to be so ill, then he would have to receive a disability pension.

Do not let anything tell you about the horse!

No, that does not sound ridiculous to me. That's the same with me.

He knows very well that you will not be able to assert yourself, so he puts a lot of pressure on you so that you can continue to "dance his way".

You can't get an income reduction pension so easily. So much has "mama" already described correctly! My husband was in the hospital several times. There, several doctors said he was seriously ill. That was in my presence. I do not think doctors at the KH just talk that way. Just recently, his cellphone rang early in the morning. He would have to return to the KH immediately, because his Toponinwert was dramatically increased. That's the value that indicates a heart muscle inflammation. Due to a COPD III, he receives asthma sprays and very often can't continue walking due to shortness of breath when we're on the move. In addition, he has a diaphragmatic fracture that has been operated on once, but has broken up again. These are the facts! This has nothing to do with defense. I simply describe here objectively how it is. He does not receive a pension anyway, because he never paid enough.

I did not doubt that he was not ill.

Even though he has multiple illnesses, it still suffices for his "health" to patronize you, make your life hell, "play a dragon".

I'm unable to work, I receive a disability pension and still work for a 400 euro job.

I too have asthma, severe depression, coronary heart disease, chronic diarrhea, and many more.

He is responsible for his life and his own living.

What if you had not inherited anything?

Open your eyes!

And, dear lissy61, why does he not even thank you for being so loyal to him, if he is allegedly so battered?

Is illness a license for bad behavior?

A license certainly not, but an explanation. Not surprising that one is dissatisfied in such a situation.

Then we would probably live on 28 square meters in the homeless shelter. Would be like that. That's how it is now about 1.2 million Germans (came on TV recently). Even if it turns out to be wrong today, in my family it was so common for one to come up for the other when one was married. I guess it's a "dying species".

In former times only men worked, in the past the laundry was washed by hand, in former times only one horsepower was used, earlier earlier…

You live today and not 100 years ago.

Love lissy61, your thinking really hurts me, times have changed, of course, people too!

If it was so common in your family, then you should be the first to change that.

I assume that the inheritance comes from your parents?!

Think about what your parents would say about this situation.

I would come out of the grave if I knew that with my estate my child would carry such a parasite who does not even love her, hurt her and only exploit her.

For the testator / has certainly not "bent down".

That is perfectly correct and should still be the case today!

However, your husband deals with you in a way that you are right to complain about! His behavior is under all sow!

He lives at your expense and makes you so completely finished. If you think it's alright, stay with him, continue to pay diligently and let yourself be completely destroyed… All just a matter of time.

Your depressive mood, which is indeed here in your question is actually, you will not get a grip on and probably very soon even to a really sick person, who then gets nothing more baked - and then?

Maybe you have expected something else as an answer from us? That we maybe conjure out of your disgust man again a dream man? But nobody will be able to do that and you can only help yourself!

You have a second home in another city. Is he somehow registered as a tenant? If not, swap if he has a key and move there. It's a different city and he has virtually no money (lock accounts for him!), The likelihood that he will pass is low.

I was in your situation. I was afraid to split up because I was afraid of his reaction. There were also many threats and at times I was worried about my life. It was still the best decision of my life. I should have done earlier.

Thanks for the little star and I wish you a lot of strength - whatever your decision may be ;-)