Would be happy about some objective opinions about my situation…
So it's about the relationship with my current friend. There are just a few circumstances that make me wonder at the moment…
He is 30 and I'm 25 years old. I'm in the last year of my studies and, according to his own statement, he has a very good job as a "consultant", with company cars etc… We met three years ago on a student ball. Exactly a year ago he wrote me via messenger if I would not like to get to know each other "properly". From the beginning he invited me to expensive restaurants and even bought me a new laptop… I think that's very nice, but it also shames me a lot.
But the actual circumstances that I find strange are the following: Despite his job, he still lives with his parents, which is a good 100 km away. And they really live "in nowhere". Most of the time he does his home office (even before the corona pandemic). I don't understand how you can like that as a young person to sit and work in the living room with your parents during the week without any real social contact… At the beginning he always told me that he would be looking for an apartment in the capital very soon, which has not been the case so far. So if I want to go to him, I have to drive 100 km…
What I also find strange is the relationship with his sister: At first he claimed that she was a lawyer, but this turns out to be a lie. She is 33 and now lives at home after a second relationship. By the way: When we met, he was constantly advertising with his sister's partner and showing off their wealth. He even registered me in his house even though this partner was on vacation at the time. Suddenly there was an end between the sister and her partner overnight. Then I also realized that she had contributed nothing financially to the house and yard. For months now she has been sitting at home looking for her "rich dream prince" on Tinder and love groups on Facebook. The mother provides great support by photographing her daughter in sports bras or evening dresses at home and then posting it on social networks. These photos then receive up to 700 likes and hundreds of love comments, almost exclusively from men.
My friend thinks this is normal and is always "up to date" about his sister's "activity". He also knows, for example, what kind of pictures she has on Tinder, who she is currently dating… He also finds it normal that, for example, on the first day of Christmas (in front of the assembled team, including me) she spontaneously drove a good 200 km around 7pm to meet with some guy… I was just shocked.
I would appreciate your opinions on this situation
Run away! As fast as you can.
It's all just a sham. People want to be something that they are not.
I think you will save yourself a lot more grief in the future.
I honestly have no idea what exactly your question is?
Which relationship situation should we assess here? Your? The family? To his sister?
I honestly have the feeling that there's not even an honest partnership between him and him. Because of my practical year in my studies I have little free time and even if there's a day off, he wants to go home as quickly as possible when he was with me in the evening.
It therefore feels to me as if I'm not only having a relationship with him, probing with the whole family. And when he tells me about his day, it's always about his family, mostly his sister.
I'm surprised that in view of these omens and although some things seem to be unclear, a relationship could even arise. Usually you "clarify" this beforehand -----> but no matter, I try to help you and try to go into the essential points of your description in the hope that I can help you.
That with the home office and the good job can be right - I mean, somehow he has to (survive) and survive and somehow he can't pump a whole life! Therefore, I think that's credible in itself because I know such stories and they are real - and maybe he is quite satisfied with his life situation. I'm 29 and know a lot of men who still live at home for convenience. It's not that rare! And if he enjoys home office fun, why not? I mean, that's how people are different. For me personally, that would also be nothing, but maybe that's exactly his thing. To work in the living room. Or doesn't the mother let him go, I know stories like that too. The children want to go there, but the parents don't allow it, sometimes with blackmail. As an outsider, you don't always notice it.
The rest and the drama that the mother does online with the daughter does not have to indicate played wealth, may be simply a strange character in the family or else a lot went wrong in education - there can be anything. You are not in it and you always have to have everything on your bill.
The fact that the sister lives at home does not have to be bad per se - you can "talk bad" about something like that if it bothers you. And maybe brother and sister also have an intimate connection and like to be brothers and sisters, also share private / intimate things and are always there for each other.
Much can't be understood emotionally - including family and sibling relationships - if you have not experienced it yourself or something similar or if you simply come from other family backgrounds. At first my partner also had a certain problem with the cohesion in my clan because she simply doesn't know it from her own family and found it strange and suspicious that we often all meet informally and e.g. My cousin on the side is one of my best friends. But over time that also cleared up, maybe you just need a little more time… How was that, over time grass becomes milk!
Otherwise I would talk about it critically but honestly and kindly in your place - but please do not hang it up verbally, but discuss it objectively and directly and in such a way that everyone is taken seriously, everyone has their say and nobody has the feeling… He is being emotionally pressed against the wall. You have to decide together whether and how to continue. You have to listen to the heart, because you don't pretend to the heart… And know whether your "relationship" makes sense. But you just have to see that.
All the best!
Your partner is a person who has little need for social interaction and comes from a very material family.
But what does that have to do with your relationship?
Do you feel good? It's more of an interesting question.
Thank you for the first time for this honest and helpful answer.
I would just like to clarify a few things: the signs were anything but clear at first, because for the first time he didn't tell me that he lived at home, relatively far away. I had rated him as a rather autonomous, cosmopolitan and dynamic man. But only over time did I realize that the reality is completely different.
then there are also a few behaviors that I find strange: for example, he doesn't even want to come to my parents, but invites me constantly to come to his parents. He saw my mother once and hardly introduced himself, was very closed. That was very uncomfortable for me before my mother and I was quite disappointed with him that he didn't behave any friendlier.
Another event that unsettles me is that he caused a serious accident with total damage and road damage 6 months ago due to drunk driving (1.2 per mille).
At first I overlooked all of this, but now, and also because I finally have time to think about it quietly, a lot is accumulating.
With pleasure!
Oh, okay - what you usually do about him is of course bitter and uncomfortable. A "project" like this self-inflicted accident already leaves you in doubt - I understand that, I would also feel the same way. You already think "your part" and wonder where that should lead / what he has in store next. If he is so obviously lacking in manners… I would think twice. Because when all of this comes together, I don't believe in coincidences anymore, even though I'm totally optimistic and confident about everything.
I think you should just talk honestly about everything, but without getting the feeling that he will be shot in the near future - because then he might switch to pulling through or make a fool of himself and say nothing more about it, which is also not expedient. You need a lot of sensitivity.
All the best!
My life experience tells me:
Your partner is playing with the wrong cards.
He has built up an illusory world and is good at storytelling.
Reliability is probably very different.
If you don't care much about him - detach!
