I'm scared, am I being watched? Ab Abjecthandsomely
Parents do not give me a 'free space'? De DevinLibra
As the title suggests, I've been suffering from compulsory washing for about 6 months now - funnily enough, only according to a very specific concept:
(for information: I still live with my family in my own room)
1. I myself can get as dirty as I want - but not my room
2. I see the nature and most of the outside world as fairly clean - something like shopping trolleys that have touched dozens before, etc. I find it rather disgusting, but that's about it - just see the house where I live with the family me as dirty - the door handles etc. For the following reason:
unfortunately my family is not so fond of hygiene (the soap is leather here only decoration ^^) and I have to share the bathroom and the hallway with a "smelly" homeless person.
I just spend my free time and nights in my room and therefore want to have it clean.
In addition to this (which is common) there's a strong disgust for feces - must take a shower after using the toilet.
Most recently I was with a psychiatrist and will be going back next week, but more because of depression and (more likely) anxiety-avoiding personality disorder because of which I don't dare to do anything new and haven't been able to decide to start studying for 2 years.
Since for me this compulsion is not as bad as - well the rest that has kept me from life for years, I don't want to waste any more time with it - especially not the precious time with the psychiatrist.
That I generally disgust me in front of droppings, my place of residence, where the homeless and the others are romping around and things touch the dozen strangers, is ok.
So my goal would be to be able to live reasonably normally, so that I still clean the shower before using it, for example, but only briefly, and that I generally weaken it to a "reasonable" degree and can get it out whenever I want.
I know myself that a little or a lot of dirt doesn't kill me, I could also cancel all measures and that wouldn't really harm me (but I still want to keep the basic ones), only when I think so, I think of my beautiful ones things in my room - like laptops and bedclothes, clothes, and that I don't want to get them dirty - the only way to change that is my idea to just leave most of the stuff here and to clean the essentials like laptops - so to speak give up keeping everything clean and "leaving it behind" together with the place of residence that is causing me problems
My question: how do I go about it? I read that I should just do what I want to do without my exaggerated compulsions and after a while, will it always be easier for me? The reason for this is that I then realize that I can also live that way, I know that, but maybe my subconscious or not and I have to "experience" it first?
