No future part 1?

Hi. Since I'm currently feeling bad and just don't see myself in the future, I simply use the great anonymity on the Internet again to describe my "emotional state" and maybe read through one or the other comment that might help me again get".

I'm going to start. For almost four years now I have been feeling mentally and physically bad. I cried all the time, cut off contact with everyone for no reason, changed completely as a person, means completely closed off and was always angry. The reason for my anger was that I'm a person who converts their sadness into anger and since I was always feeling bad, I always reacted aggressively to everything and everyone. Now this summer, I voluntarily took a break, had absolutely no contact with anyone (including my family), deleted all my photos, and simply took time for myself because I noticed that I just got to a point where I wanted death every day and I knew it couldn't go on like this. Everything went well for almost two months, but then it was my birthday and the whole thing started again. I couldn't stand the fact that I had been in this world for 20 years and knowing that I would be forced to live for more years made me so tired that I lay in my bed crying for hours asked why I'm just not being saved. I haven't felt anything since this summer except sadness. I just feel uncomfortable everywhere, no matter who I'm with or where I'm, everything overwhelms me and that people say to me that I should talk more or be more open-minded does not help me at all.

Whenever I think I'm feeling a little bit better, this feeling of senselessness comes up again and then I'm back in this "hole" from which I simply can't get out. Last Sunday it was time, I was ready to take my own life, I tore up the last pictures of me, tidied up my room again nicely, deleted all my data on my cell phone and laptop, destroyed my external one where it was gave a few more pictures of me and wanted to tie my air with a rope. That worked too, but then came this stupid "panic attack", where I started to cry loudly and shouted that I wanted to get out and then could free myself after a short time. (If I had only been able to hold out until I passed out, I wouldn't have noticed anything anymore, but no it had to happen. Btw. Unfortunately, there was no hope of a quick death, maybe because I'm even too incompetent for it)

So now I have no more characters, so the rest comes in a different question.

Even without the 2nd part of the question, this is nothing that will help you with a few Internet comments. You seem to have a definite depression, so please look for a psychologist / therapist who will take care of your situation.

No one can force you to, but it will help you.

I know that is meant nicely, but I won't hurt myself anymore. That was unsuccessful and I don't want to have to go through it so quickly again. Above all, I don't want anyone from my family to know anything about it. I will be away from here in a few months and I don't know, maybe I could get a briefing, I could imagine that, because I definitely want it to remain so "anonymous". (So away from my city where people know me, not away from life haha)

But I have some questions for you: what was it like for you to be in a clinic? Did they really help you there? Do you feel comfortable there? I can really imagine to be away for a few weeks and get help in such a clinic, but only in October, when I stop moving.

Oh yes, thanks for your comment!

So topic clinic:

I'm only there because I felt myself that I was a danger to my life… And I would do it again before I try to take my own life again… I've also had 2 insurance policies behind me…

But generally an inpatient therapy doesn't make sense to me, because I don't feel comfortable or safe there…

Therefore only in extreme emergencies.

Hm, you're right. But for some moments, some comments are good.

Since you have had experience with it yourself, can I ask you some questions? So have you ever been to a therapist? If so, what is it like to open up to a stranger? Was it easy for you? And when could you theoretically feel better again? I know this won't happen overnight, but how long did it take you to see progress?

I was with several therapists. If you are unlucky, you have to work through a few until you find one you can trust.

"Opening up" is a process. Sure, there are people who can talk straight away, but the therapist responds to you anyway and lets you do it at your pace while feeling comfortable. At no point will a good therapist urge you to reveal anything you don't want.

Imagine someone like a friend listening to you and not judging you or "seeing with different eyes". It helps you to identify your problems yourself and to work out possible solutions. At the beginning I was always very dismissive and taciturn, but if the general motivation is to change something in his situation, then this initial silence is not a serious problem.

How long it takes to start making progress is very important to you. Personally, after about 12 months of going to a session once a week, I saw my first successes and from there it's like climbing a mountain. Sometimes you still slip, but overall you keep getting higher and further.

I've had phases in my life that were just as dark for me. But in a different way, I was dominated by this terrible, gruesome fear.
It sounds like you have depression, and because you don't want a psychologist, go to psychiatry. You also get delicious pills.

Oh, I'm sorry for you! Hope you're better now.

Thanks for your answer and yes, that sounds good with the pills. Haha

I've read about this a couple of times, of course it would be optimal to feel the trust of the first therapist.

Oh ok, that sounds very good.

Thank you for your help. With your last comment, I feel a little more open now to really go to a therapist and somehow you also "took away the fear" that I was afraid of. It just sounds so relieving and pleasant. The last sentence is also nice and a good "motivational saying".

I wish you the same, and I offer you if you want to talk or your thoughts get worse… That you can talk to me

Thanks for the offer, the same applies to you too.